American Horror Story Freak Show: “Edward Mordrake II” (4)

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This week on American Horror Story Spoooooky Glee no, American Horror Story: everything was beautiful and (almost) nothing hurt. I mean it! I really do! Edward Mordrake acted as a surrogate Oprah for the freaks of Jupiter, walking around all “you get a backstory! And you get a backstory! And you, you also get a backstory!” and then respectfully listening to everyone’s problems. Also, it turns out that everyone was getting freaky in Germany in the prelude to WWII, Twisty makes us laugh and cry, and no one sings. No one at all!

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American Horror Story Freak Show: “Edward Mordrake I” (3)

This week on Spoooooky Glee American Horror Story: Wes Bentley wanders around in a Party City commercial looking less sexy than usual (whether this is due to the Voldemort face plastered to the back of his head or some truly outrageous muttonchops is in the eye of the beholder), Dot told Bette how things are going to be, John Carpenter is referenced, and Emma Roberts pulls the oldest con. Read on, dear readers, if you dare.

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American Horror Story Freak Show: “Massacres and Matinees” (2)

American_Horror_Story_S04E02_Massacres_And_Matinees_1080p_WEB-DL_DD5_1_H_264-ECI_1587Ugh, gentle readers, what a week it’s been! My best friend’s birthday was this past weekend, and I was able to get her something nice because I spent most of Saturday selling parking spots to people who love football (yo, sometimes we have no choice but to participate in capitalism, busted as it is). Then I got super congested and slept poorly, which meant that Monday my head was so full of straw that I stuck my debit card in the dollar slot of a vending machine like a goofus. It’s been something else.

So, it’s almost too late to talk about last week’s AHS! Let’s get started before time runs out!

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American Horror Story Freak Show: “Monsters Among Us” (1)

Welcome back to another season of American Horror Story, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted individuals of a nonbinary nature! Sorry for the delay in posting reviews for the season premiere and episode 2; the first thing I had to do was write out my theory about AHS Season 5, and after that was done, I was too exhausted to start unpacking the premiere. Then, due to the upcoming nuptials of a dear hermano, I spent the weekend getting drunk in the Mississippi woods with the husband-to-be and the rest of the groomsmen (where I lulled myself to sleep each night with the comforting thought that Twisty would not be coming for me because—like the kitten in Marge’s poster from “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson”—determined or not, that clown’s long dead).

So this review will be a bit of a departure from the reviews you’ve come to know and love (or read and forget, as the case may be), and we’ll be back to freakish normal next week. Read on, my monsters, and let’s talk about “Monsters Among Us” in this, Part 1.

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AHS Season 5 Theory

tumblr_nd6slvkr6e1rr7l9ko1_500Okay, so several days ago, I teased that I was going to discuss what I think American Horror Story Season Five will be about. I’ve shared this theory with several people: in bars, backrooms, on the bus; the reaction has been mixed at best. My ex thinks it’s the greatest thing ever; my neighbor told me last night that she’s taken to praying that my prediction never comes to pass. I realized too late that I can’t really get into this season’s reviews until I lay it all out for you. And, since I noticed some things in last night’s premiere that are relevant to my theory, I guess it’s time to share. So read on, dear ones, for my theory about American Horror Story: Apocalypse, and decide for yourself whether or not it’s plausible or the deranged plot of the world’s best worst fanfiction.

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Getting Ready for Freak Show, Part III: Things I Want to See this Season

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again, boys, girls, and assembled non-binary individuals! It’s motherfrakking Halloween! And it’s time for the return of American Horror Story after several long, boring, decidedly not-frightening months!

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Getting Ready for Freak Show, Part II: Things We Are Excited About

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again, boys, girls, and assembled non-binary individuals! It’s motherfrakking Halloween! And it’s time for the return of American Horror Story after several long, boring, decidedly not-frightening months!

I’m sure all of us have been following along with each new piece of information that falls from the internet into our laps; I’m sure we were all disappointed to learn that the “broken winged angel” teaser was fake; I’m sure we’ve all watched every single teaser looking for every possible bit of foreshadowing*.

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